This post is also available in: Portuguese (Brazil)
Midlife Crisis? Yes you see around here! I have to be honest here, I have been MIA and avoiding to write for a long time. At first I thought it was a simple writer’s block but there is a lot more in this.
Slowly I was noticing the real reason behind my writing block. I have been avoiding to write about reality, my weaknesses, fears, the challenges and sad days in life. I wanted to share more about the happy days, the trips, shopping and the advantages of living abroad as an Expatriate. But even though I chose this life and part of me is happy, my other half struggles with the culture differences and the distance from my family.
I think I have been scared to expose my feelings and be criticized or interpreted in the wrong way. I often feel guilty about leaving my country, being away from my parents as they get older, and feel that I should not complain or feel bad about living the life I sought to have. The truth is that this feeling consumes me. It does not happen every day but it has happened more often than I imagined or would like.
This is not the only thing that torments me, I think I am going through a phase of transitions and unfamiliarity with myself.
I think I am in some sort of midlife crisis. Maybe I needed to live in the first two years of my thirties to understand that this crisis really exists. Adulthood has become a reality, doubts and fears have been constant, and all this just keeps me away from people. And I’ve become someone I do not even recognize, and it scares me.
Is someone there? Is anyone there going through the same? If so, say hi, please. Tell me everything is going to be OK and what can I do to get over this midlife crisis?
I’ve always been a very cheerful and extroverted person, full of friends around. In Brazil I had many friends (I still have) and many sincere and eternal despite the distance. But here I find it difficult to connect, to open up and keep friends. And this hurts me a lot, because I never thought I’d go through this type of situation. Is it the age? Time? I’ve been in Sacramento for 2 years and yes I met people, I connected with some but it’s not the same as when I used to make friends 10 years ago.
I used to hear a lot about having different personalities when one speaks another language, I did not think that was possible, but today I understand. I understand that when I speak Portuguese I speak without thinking of the details, I express myself without fear, the voice and the subject flow and there is no pressure. But when I speak in English, no matter how fluent I speak, my unconscious asks for caution.
‘Beware of the words Andrea, you do not know how that will be interpreted.’
And you’re no longer yourself, always thinking long before you speak. And often I still feel a certain difference even when I am with people who I feel comfortable, when I curse or when I am happy.
I catch myself at work several times, thinking, my co-worker X does not know exactly how I am, how fun I could be and how fun it is to have a beer after work, because no matter how much we play and tell jokes, I’m not being my True self. Complicated uh?
Work environment is another topic i see the differences between countries that maybe contributed to this midlife crisis, but I won’t go on to this yet. I’ll come back to talk later, I hope.
I hope I can write more, maybe this will help me to overcome this phase. I think pushing the post button will be the biggest challenge, but if you’re reading it, it’s because I had the courage and the first step was taken!